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Commonplace Lavatory Laughs

Restroom comedy has long been the reliable retreat in everyday journalism, and writers stay alert of notable bog-related stories and milestones, especially in relation to football. What a delight it was to learn that a prominent writer a well-known presenter has a West Brom-themed urinal within his residence. Spare a thought regarding the Barnsley supporter who took the rest room a little too literally, and needed rescuing from the vacant Barnsley ground after falling asleep on the loo during halftime of a 2015 loss by Fleetwood. “His footwear was missing and misplaced his cellphone and his headwear,” explained an official from the local fire department. And nobody can overlook when, at the height of his fame at Manchester City, the Italian striker popped into a local college to access the restrooms in 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, then came in and was asking directions to the restrooms, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” a pupil informed a Manchester newspaper. “After that he was just walking round the campus as if he owned it.”

The Restroom Quitting

Tuesday marks 25 years to the day that Kevin Keegan resigned from the England national team after a brief chat within a restroom stall with FA director David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, after the notorious 1-0 loss versus Germany during 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the legendary venue. As Davies recalls in his journal, his private Football Association notes, he had entered the sodden troubled England locker room directly following the fixture, discovering David Beckham crying and Tony Adams motivated, the two stars urging for the official to reason with Keegan. Following Dietmar Hamann’s free-kick, Keegan had trudged down the tunnel with a blank expression, and Davies discovered him collapsed – just as he was at Anfield in 1996 – in the dressing room corner, whispering: “I’m off. I’m not for this.” Grabbing Keegan, Davies worked frantically to salvage the situation.

“What place could we identify for a private conversation?” remembered Davies. “The tunnel? Full of TV journalists. The locker room? Packed with upset players. The bathing section? I couldn't conduct an important discussion with an England manager as players dived into the water. Just a single choice remained. The lavatory booths. A dramatic moment in England’s long football history happened in the old toilets of an arena marked for removal. The impending destruction could almost be smelled in the air. Leading Kevin into a compartment, I closed the door after us. We stood there, facing each other. ‘My decision is final,’ Kevin declared. ‘I’m out of here. I’m not up to it. I’m going out to the press to tell them I’m not up to it. I can’t motivate the players. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Aftermath

Consequently, Keegan quit, subsequently confessing he considered his stint as England manager “without spirit”. The double Ballon d'Or recipient continued: “I found it hard to fill in the time. I ended up coaching the blind squad, the deaf squad, assisting the women's team. It's a tremendously tough role.” English football has come a long way during the last 25 years. For better or worse, those Wembley toilets and those two towers are long gone, whereas a German currently occupies in the technical area Keegan previously used. The German's squad is viewed as one of the contenders for next year's international tournament: National team followers, value this time. This specific commemoration from one of England's worst moments is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

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Today's Statement

“We stood there in a lengthy line, clad merely in our briefs. We were Europe’s best referees, elite athletes, role models, adults, parents, strong personalities with great integrity … but no one said anything. We barely looked at each other, our looks wavered slightly nervously while we were called forward two by two. There Collina inspected us completely with a chilly look. Silent and observant” – former international referee Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes referees were previously subjected to by previous European football refereeing head Pierluigi Collina.

Football Daily Letters

“How important is a name? A Dr Seuss verse exists titled ‘Too Many Daves’. Has Blackpool experienced Excessive Steves? Steve Bruce, together with staff Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been dismissed through the exit. Is this the termination of the Steve fascination? Not exactly! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie stay to manage the main squad. Full Steve ahead!” – John Myles

“Now you have loosened the purse strings and awarded some merch, I've opted to write and offer a concise remark. Ange Postecoglou states that he picked fights in the schoolyard with youngsters he expected would overpower him. This masochistic tendency must account for his option to move to Nottingham Forest. As a lifelong Spurs supporter I'll continue appreciating the subsequent season award but the only second-season trophy I can see him winning along the Trent, should he survive that period, is the second tier and that would be a significant battle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|